Lost
by Kazo Sakamari
Summary: "...and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself...the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy..." -Plato, The Symposium


New story...I'm not sure about this. I've just always been of the mind that James and Sirius were soulmates, and Lily and Severus were too, and even though things might get confusing, I think it'd be interesting to see what would happen in a situation like this.

Please leave a review to let me know what you think!

As always JKR owns Harry Potter.

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><p>"...and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment..."<p>

-Plato, The Symposium

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><p>James stood in front of the fireplace for a moment before resuming his pacing.<p>

"James…honey, you're wearing a hole in the carpet." Lily said dryly.

"I...uhh…sorry." He paused and looked at her, "this, this is just really hard to do Lily."

"Well, you could start by explaining?"

"I…right. Right."

James turned away, running a hand through his hair.

"I just…I wanted to talk about _us_."

"Us?"

"Yes."

Lily raised an eyebrow from where she sat perched on the leather couch in their apartment. A gift from James' uncle, sweet as he was, it did have an odd smell to it.

"This doesn't sound good."

"It's not."

Lily sighed as James ran his hands through his hair again. Their entire time at Hogwarts that one simple motion had infuriated her, and still did sometimes, but she had learned to love it too.

"Are you breaking up with me James? After all _this_?"

_This_, being the begging, pleading, and coercing that he had done for seven years straight, surviving the war so far together, and growing into adulthood together.

"I…I don't know."

"You don't know?"

James stopped pacing and stared at her, straight into those piercing green eyes with a look of complete and utter desperation.

"I don't _know_ Lily."

"What...what's wrong James? What happened?" And she really was concerned, because it was extremely rare to see James Potter flustered.

"Nothing, I mean…nothing really happened. I've just been thinking. About you, and the war, and…" He trailed off, eyes breaking away from her, roaming the room for something else to look at.

"And what?" Her eyes were sharp and James swallowed thickly before answering.

"And Sirius."

"Sirius?" Lily laughed, but there was worry in the back of her throat and when she spoke a frantic note crept in. "What the does Sirius bloody Black have to do with our relationship!?"

James sighed, collapsing onto the sofa next to Lily, staring at her with those scared eyes.

"I love you Lily, I'm_ in_ love with you. Hell, I've waited seven bloody _years_ for you to realize that and never once doubted it, but…Sirius is my soulmate. He is. I'm desperately in love with you but he's my other half, he carries my soul in his hands."

"James…"

"No, don't Lily, _please_ don't. Let me finish."

She bit her lip and nodded.

"This war, everything that's happening in the world, I just…oh Merlin. If anything happened to you Lily, I don't know what I would do, unmentionable things probably, terrible, horrific things. And I just don't think you would do the same for me. We're...different."

"Obviously."

"Yes, but I mean, all those years at school, when you thought I was an ignorant toerag? _I was_, and the thing is I still am. I know I was an idiot, a stupid teenager, but that was still a part of me, that nasty little fucker who was intentionally cruel and superficial and judged people based on their greasy hair and acne? That's me Lils. Its part of who I am, and I just want you to know that."

He sucked in a breath, picking at a scab on his hand, fingers fluttering nervously. A habit he picked up from Sirius.

"I love you so much. I really do, but…I don't want to have to change for you. You make me a better person, you do. People at work actually like me, they don't think I'm the world's biggest egoistical asshat, but the thing is…I am. I_ am_ an egotistical asshat, and I am a terrible person sometimes, not all the time! But sometimes, and that shouldn't be ignored, and I've done terrible things that you even told me not to tell you about. And I really don't want _you_ to change for me, because you're perfect, just how you are. And I don't want to have to censor myself and what comes out of my mouth and my mind for you to be able to live with me happily."

"James, baby…" But he didn't seem to hear her, instead just plowing onward in his rant.

"It's just…Sirius is one of the worst people in the world. He really is. I've seen his soul and it is an awful thing to behold, but he accepts it, and he accepts me, all of me, even the darkest, most dangerous parts of me. He really is my soulmate, and while I don't know what I would do if I had to live without you Lily, I don't know _how_ I could live without him and there's a huge different to that."

"I know there is." She whispered, because somewhere deep in her heart she had acknowledged all these things James was saying. She just didn't think he would ever acknowledge them himself.

"I would do a lot for you Lily, but somewhere I would draw the line. And I know you would for me too, there's just some stuff that your moral compass would say no too, I get that. I understand that. For Sirius though, there are no lines, none at all."

He ran his hands through his hair again and Lily could almost see the turbulent sea of feelings that were storming behind his hazel eyes.

"And…oh god. Sometimes I just feel terrible, because…" James dropped his head into his hands and let out a sound so miserable Lily flinched.

"Goddamn Severus Snape."

"Severus?"

"Yes! That bastard of a man. He loves you Lily! More than the earth and sun combined, he does. More than me. And I know this is quite possibly the shittest time to mention it, with him being the Death Eater, spawn of Satan, worshiper of Voldemort, mass murderer that he is, but for fucks sake! He's your goddamn soulmate and it's so damn clear even I can see it! And he would do anything for you! Anything! And I wouldn't, couldn't compete with that, with him, and I hate it so much but I can't deny it anymore!"

"Severus hasn't been in my life for years James!" And the fact that James, after everything he had done to Severus in school, after all that he had done to convince her that he was…well, after everything, the fact that James had the audacity to even say his name to her. Oh, it just made her blood boil, her heart pump frantically.

"That's bullshite Lily!" He snapped at her, because he wasn't a goddamn idiot. And he hated that she would lie to him like this. Something even if Sirius could do (which he couldn't at all, at least not to James) wouldn't do, _ever_.

"I see you, every time the paper comes you look for his name! I see you when we go on order missions and you scan every bloody death eater to see if it's him! When you say you're going out shopping and you sneak away to that old playground by your parent's house and meet his mother for tea! I see it!"

He turned away from her, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes aggravatedly.

"At Hogwarts, your patronus was a mink in school. I remember it, I do…and it's a doe now, because of me, and I _hate_ that Lily."

Her eyes widened at the strength of his words, "why…?"

"Because you changed for me, and I never wanted you too. I loved you just how you were, I loved you perfectly how you were with your mink patronus even though in school Snape's was a mink too. And now his is a doe, just like yours again, and it's killing me how much he loves you and how I can never love you like he does and I can never love you like I love Sirius, it's physically _killing_ me Lils."

"Sirius doesn't change for you though." She spat in annoyance, because she remembered that day when they did the patronus charm in class and how pleased she had been that Severus' mink was nearly identical to hers, and it was this fact that angered her more than the fact that her long-term _straight_ boyfriend was telling her he was in love with another man.

James laughed. "God no, Sirius is inexplicably Sirius and he always will be. He's constantly changing, but never for anyone but himself. It's part of what makes him…him." He wasn't looking at her anymore, but caught up in his own mind, and well…Sirius.

Lily nodded and said nothing for a long time, dark auburn hair falling in her eyes as she tried to sort out her own thoughts, feelings, the fact that her relationship might be falling apart in front of her very eyes and she didn't know if she was happy or sad about it and the fact that she didn't know worried her more than if she did.

"James…I do love you."

"I love you too Lils, so much."

"But you are right…about…all this." She waved her hand in the air, which still seemed thick and heavy after James spilling his heart out. "You're always right."

He gave her a smile, but his heart wasn't in it and that pained her.

"So…where does that leave us?"

"I don't know…but I think I'm going to stay at Marlene's for a while…if you don't mind."

"I…no, that's fine."

She smiled briefly, getting up, hovering in front of him before disappearing into the bedroom to gather her bag.

A few minutes later, buttoning up her coat by the door she stopped and looked at him, long and hard.

"James, just...please don't go to Sirius' tonight, for my sake."

"Of course not, I…I won't."

"Okay." She planted a wet kiss on his cheek and disappeared out the door into the night, leaning against it she closed her eyes tight, willing some tears to appear but none came.

Barely minutes after she left Sirius' head appeared in the fireplace, shaggy hair and pale tired eyes with a lopsided smile of perfect white teeth.

"Hey mate."

James looked up from the sofa, exhaustion and worry etched into every undeserving line on his handsome face.

"Sirius…now isn't really a good time."

The smile dropped from his face letting the more serious side show through.

"I know mate, that's why I'm calling you. Something's wrong yeah? My stomach feels funny, that always happens when you're having an existential crisis."

"Yeah."

James shot Sirius a glare, because it was really all Sirius' fault, even though the black haired man had no idea what was going on.

"And?"

"And I can't talk about it."

Sirius pouted, but his eyes sparkled.

"Well that's the beauty of our relationship my dearest Prongs, you don't have to talk at all, I can talk twice as much for the two of us!"

James laughed, because he knew this was certainly true. Once Sirius got going it was near impossible to shut him up.

Sirius smiled, glad that he managed to get a laugh out of his depressed looking friend. James mirrored Sirius' smile, and this time it did reach his eyes.

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><p>Please leave a review! I'd love to hear what you think!<p> 


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